He came over and she had to pretend that everything was ok. Everyone was all smiles as they cooled off in the pool, exchanging stories of their holidays. She had planned not to ask him anything about his trip as she no longer cared but she had to endure everyone elses questions. Floating in the pool, she tuned out the dribble as much as she could.
Finally the time came for everyone to leave. He asked her to go for a walk and she shrugged indifferently. They headed off through the streets but she was distracted by the setting sun and how it cast a warm red glow onto the houses and the tree’s. It was so tranquil and looked absolutely beautiful. How she loved summer afternoons like these.
He held her hand but she was holding his loose. She didn’t care to hold it but didn’t care enough to shake hers free so she just went with it. As they started to descend to the oval, she admired the purple and orange sky captured by the summer clouds. Upon reaching the grass, cool air seemed to emanate from the shade so she decided she wanted to sit in the center of the oval where warm paving would great her. Sitting down, she was comforted by the friendly concrete. He placed himself next to her and handed her a white envelope which she took slowly, unsure of what to expect.
It was lovely but none of it registered in her head that the girl he was talking about in the letter was her. Tears pricked in her eyes but she didn’t feel enough emotion to make them fall. She listened to him ramble on but none of it made sense to her. He was clearly upset but she couldn’t understand why. It felt like it had all been too easy for him to go behind her back again and again so why was he so upset. She was the one that had been hurt, not him. But she wasn’t angry anymore. She wasn’t even sad. She was just nothing. Crying all year had taken it out of her to the point it felt like she had nothing left in her. Nothing to break anymore. It almost put her at peace. She felt calm. Some disbelief but mostly neutral. But she wished she felt something.
Her remarks may be snide but she didn’t feel snide. It just felt like the truth. Eventually she lowered herself backwards so that she lay facing the sky, as did he. It had become a little darker now that the sun had fallen. She could feel him looking at her and eventually she rolled onto her side to look at him. He placed his hand on her waist and it made her falter for a second. Such a familiar touch. It felt so warm there. How she had missed this. He just kept whispering he was sorry but his words had become meaningless to her. It didn’t really communicate anything to her.
The air was still warm but the clouds above began to let gentle water fall. It kissed her face and she took a deep breath of the humid summer air around her. She loved this weather. And right then, it felt like a scene out of a movie or a book. The only difference was that it was hardly a happy scene.
Somehow their foreheads came to touch and she sighed. She thought to herself that it will get better one day because she wanted it to. She just wasn’t sure how long. She then remembered her letter and sat upright. She wanted to keep it safe from the water. He too sat up and suggested to return to her house and she thought they may as well.
As they made it half way up the street he stopped her once more. She could see people ahead so she thought maybe he wanted to hang back from them. Instead “I need to tell you something” escaped from his lips. He made her face him and she was confused by the look on his face. What more could he have to tell her? What possibly more could have gone wrong?
The tiniest bit of hope that she had before had now been complete replaced by betrayal. How could he. She pushed him, then at lost as to where she should go, started to walk back down the hill to the oval. She couldn’t go home now.
He ran after her, pleading but she didn’t want any of it. This was an all new low. He cried out that he was sorry and that he only told her because he loved her. It was a joke to her. If he had loved her, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Oh how deceiving he had been. How self-centered.
He told her that if he hadn’t told her, she would have never known which was probably true. She just couldn’t believe it. So many arguments and accusations he had placed on her but he had lied from the start. So cunning. She just kept saying “oh my god” at the disbelief. She felt like he tricked her into doing something she never wanted to do. He had tried to make her feel bad on so many occasions about it but he never gave it up. He never chose her. It was never meant to be a test of his love for her. No, it was a decision she wanted him to make so she would stop hurting and move on from him. But he reassured her that he wanted her. But he didn’t.
Oh the nerve of him. The nerve.
She felt disgusted. Repulsed. How much of herself had she given him and what for. She felt like a joke to him. Meaningless. Worthless.
He had once made her feel beautiful. Special even. But she soon realised that was never true either. He denied it but how could she now believe anything that he has ever said was the truth.
But before she knew it, the nothingness returned and she became disconnected once more.
What seem liked an age ago, she would have been so fired up, hurt, angry and resentful. But this seemed to have switched off in her. She didn’t have the energy anymore.
She still didn’t want it to end but how can she bring herself to forgive him? Why should she? How could she? When?
She had never doubted them. She never thought it would come to this. This was never expected to happen. But it did. She had underestimated what he was capable of. So what else could he do to her? There is no knowing at this stage.