He came over and she had to pretend that everything was ok. Everyone was all smiles as they cooled off in the pool, exchanging stories of their holidays. She had planned not to ask him anything about his trip as she no longer cared but she had to endure everyone elses questions. Floating in the pool, she tuned out the dribble as much as she could.
Finally the time came for everyone to leave. He asked her to go for a walk and she shrugged indifferently. They headed off through the streets but she was distracted by the setting sun and how it cast a warm red glow onto the houses and the tree’s. It was so tranquil and looked absolutely beautiful. How she loved summer afternoons like these.
He held her hand but she was holding his loose. She didn’t care to hold it but didn’t care enough to shake hers free so she just went with it. As they started to descend to the oval, she admired the purple and orange sky captured by the summer clouds. Upon reaching the grass, cool air seemed to emanate from the shade so she decided she wanted to sit in the center of the oval where warm paving would great her. Sitting down, she was comforted by the friendly concrete. He placed himself next to her and handed her a white envelope which she took slowly, unsure of what to expect.
It was lovely but none of it registered in her head that the girl he was talking about in the letter was her. Tears pricked in her eyes but she didn’t feel enough emotion to make them fall. She listened to him ramble on but none of it made sense to her. He was clearly upset but she couldn’t understand why. It felt like it had all been too easy for him to go behind her back again and again so why was he so upset. She was the one that had been hurt, not him. But she wasn’t angry anymore. She wasn’t even sad. She was just nothing. Crying all year had taken it out of her to the point it felt like she had nothing left in her. Nothing to break anymore. It almost put her at peace. She felt calm. Some disbelief but mostly neutral. But she wished she felt something.
Her remarks may be snide but she didn’t feel snide. It just felt like the truth. Eventually she lowered herself backwards so that she lay facing the sky, as did he. It had become a little darker now that the sun had fallen. She could feel him looking at her and eventually she rolled onto her side to look at him. He placed his hand on her waist and it made her falter for a second. Such a familiar touch. It felt so warm there. How she had missed this. He just kept whispering he was sorry but his words had become meaningless to her. It didn’t really communicate anything to her.
The air was still warm but the clouds above began to let gentle water fall. It kissed her face and she took a deep breath of the humid summer air around her. She loved this weather. And right then, it felt like a scene out of a movie or a book. The only difference was that it was hardly a happy scene.
Somehow their foreheads came to touch and she sighed. She thought to herself that it will get better one day because she wanted it to. She just wasn’t sure how long. She then remembered her letter and sat upright. She wanted to keep it safe from the water. He too sat up and suggested to return to her house and she thought they may as well.
As they made it half way up the street he stopped her once more. She could see people ahead so she thought maybe he wanted to hang back from them. Instead “I need to tell you something” escaped from his lips. He made her face him and she was confused by the look on his face. What more could he have to tell her? What possibly more could have gone wrong?
The tiniest bit of hope that she had before had now been complete replaced by betrayal. How could he. She pushed him, then at lost as to where she should go, started to walk back down the hill to the oval. She couldn’t go home now.
He ran after her, pleading but she didn’t want any of it. This was an all new low. He cried out that he was sorry and that he only told her because he loved her. It was a joke to her. If he had loved her, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Oh how deceiving he had been. How self-centered.
He told her that if he hadn’t told her, she would have never known which was probably true. She just couldn’t believe it. So many arguments and accusations he had placed on her but he had lied from the start. So cunning. She just kept saying “oh my god” at the disbelief. She felt like he tricked her into doing something she never wanted to do. He had tried to make her feel bad on so many occasions about it but he never gave it up. He never chose her. It was never meant to be a test of his love for her. No, it was a decision she wanted him to make so she would stop hurting and move on from him. But he reassured her that he wanted her. But he didn’t.
Oh the nerve of him. The nerve.
She felt disgusted. Repulsed. How much of herself had she given him and what for. She felt like a joke to him. Meaningless. Worthless.
He had once made her feel beautiful. Special even. But she soon realised that was never true either. He denied it but how could she now believe anything that he has ever said was the truth.
But before she knew it, the nothingness returned and she became disconnected once more.
What seem liked an age ago, she would have been so fired up, hurt, angry and resentful. But this seemed to have switched off in her. She didn’t have the energy anymore.
She still didn’t want it to end but how can she bring herself to forgive him? Why should she? How could she? When?
She had never doubted them. She never thought it would come to this. This was never expected to happen. But it did. She had underestimated what he was capable of. So what else could he do to her? There is no knowing at this stage.
possibly because i know its bound to come up in conversation soon
or maybe because i read a post that had something to do with missing out on a night the boys had with weed
and it irritated the fuck out of me.
if you want to be fucked in the head being high, and watch a stupid fucking goat
id rather not have an association
quite frankly, that sounds like a waste of time to me and fucking stupid. not even funny. immature. i want nothing to do with it.
We all were working frantically at our tables. I saw the leader walking around handing out bags of green. In trying to avoid receiving any, I got up and walked off around the tables, pretending to be looking for something whilst keeping an eye on her. She circled around each of the tables, getting closer to me. I avoided eye contact and made my way back to my desk.
Just as she had finished, she went to walk back into a space unknown to me. I tried to subtly glance up from my desk, hoping she wouldn’t notice she had missed me. A sigh escaped from me as she passed my direction. But the feeling of relief was soon mixed with anxiety as she turned back, double taking as she saw my desk bare without the bag. She smiled and headed back in my direction, holding out a bag.
I tried to be polite, raising my hand and said ‘no thankyou, i’m right’. But her receiving smile did not match her eyes ‘Oh, but you don’t know what you’re missing out on’.
All the people around us ignored our conversation and my anxiety grew. I just kept smiling and picked a pen up, hoping she’d let me get back to my work. I knew I wasn’t like everyone else here. They all seemed under their control and had no desire to escape or to be anything else.
Still smiling in an eerie way, she said ‘I need you to come with me’ and i knew i had no choice. Feeling sick, i stood up with my head bowed and followed her lead. I wasn’t sure what was about to happen to me.
I sat there, in a big sink while all the people around me discussed what they should do.
I heard someone toss around the word “water birth”
but there was no time,
it was already half way out.
I called out, “I can see its head!” but no one was listening.
I imagined it to be so much more painful but this didn’t hurt at all.
I had to do this by myself.
I held the baby, pushing and pulling at the same time. As i heard them come to a conclusion, I’d just managed to pull the baby out. “Its ok, she’s out” idiots…
She was an odd shade of colour but nothing too gorey. But then something struck me,
she wasn’t crying. She hadn’t made a noise.
“Why isn’t she crying! Is she alive!?” A man took her from me and told me she was just fine just as i saw movement in her. I sighed out of relief as he put her into someones warms.
I had had twins but i could only recall giving birth to one.
But I was happy.
but its non existent because you dreamt it
We were celebrating my friends birthday and my uncle kindly lent us his old house. I was confused as to why it was still in his possession as i was so sure he had sold this magnificent three story house.
There weren’t many people there yet; just a few of us girls and his boys. But it was only 7’oclock; still so early.
I headed down to the pool area with a brown eyed brunette with ringlets of hair. It was dark but the water was so inviting. I could hear the boys on the balcony above us; the clatter of glass and laughter. But then we heard a noise and noticed we had been joined by a fit young man. We tried to contain our laughter as we observed the red thong; who had hired a male entertainer?
We waded into the pool and he followed us. I propped myself up onto a step in the pool and he sat between the two of us. I grew uncomfortable as the space between us was hardly centimeters. My hands rested underwater next to my leg. I glanced down at my left hand as he had placed his on top. I looked over to my friend who sat comfortably next to him, without being touched but she took no notice of me. I looked at him confused and he drew his head in. I felt as though i was being observed from above.
Horrified, i tried to withdraw but he gripped harder. I did not want this. Panic started to grip me. The noise upstairs grew fainter. Next thing i knew, this man grabbed my face, bringing it an inch from his lips. I tried to shake free but he clenched, limiting my movement. I managed to shift my glance up and i could see that James was watching in disgust with a friend.
No, no, no, no! He’s got the wrong idea!
I tried to claw at this mans face, screaming for James, over and over. But i felt as though it were too late; although i couldn’t glance up anymore, i felt his presence had disappeared.
Where did my friend go? Why was no one helping me?
I tried to hit him, scratch and claw at his face with all my might, still screaming for James. Finally, he let go and i swam to the edge to throw myself out of the pool. I dashed inside clumsily and ran up the stairs with my heart beating in a frenzy.
How could he not believe me? He had to. He knows i could never do that to him.
I nearly slipped on the floorboards as I reached the first floor. I looked through the sea of people and finally found him in the middle of the floor next to the kitchen. I ran over to him and he stood there indifferently. I felt like he had already made up his mind. My eyes began to prick and i felt as though i was losing control.
“You have to believe me” Surely he saw the whole thing?
“Do you realise how much that hurt me to see that?” He answered. He must have only seen the beginning when he pulled my head in…
“Didn’t you hear me screaming your name? I was trying to claw that guys face so he would let me go!” But he wasn’t looking at me anymore. He had this indescribable expression on his face. He wasn’t listening. I grabbed his arm, but the feeling didnt register.
“James” He started to pull away.
“You’re not listening!” He shifted away from me, adverting his eyes. I grew feeble.
“please..” But he walked away. I watched him, frozen, as he made his way through his friends. I felt crushed, beyond sick. Hollow.
We were in a circular room with a high dome ceiling. But now it was open to the sky. It was being pulled apart, destroyed. Large chunks of concrete was falling to the floor. We tried to dodge them, our insides rattling as they hit the floor with amplifying sound.
This thing… monster… something unrecognizable, many meters in height, kept reaching up and grabbed remnants of the dome. How could we get out? I looked to my best friend and ran to the furthermost side away from it. We began to climb up the wall, hoping it wouldn’t see us. The room was full of terrified screams of other people; it seemed to be enough of a distraction. Reaching the top, we realized how far away from the ground we really were. There was a river below us. We knew we had to jump.
It was as though we were gliding through the air. Somehow we landed softly on the other side of the river. But there was no time. We began to run.
Everything was so open; there was no chance in hiding. Red dirt covered the road as we ran in the sun. We could hear people catching up behind us. Do we stray away from them? or keep together as a pack? We turned down a right lane, only to be joined by a mob of people. It would find us for sure.
We reached a car park and i saw him in the back of a car with his friend. I yelled to my bestfriend and pointed at the car. I began to run towards him, dodging the stationary cars. I kept yelling, but they continued driving slowly. I started wailing as i saw them driving to the exit. But the car paused before making its turn and i reached it with my friend on my heels. I shouted his name, smacking my hands against the back of the car, making my way towards to back door. My fists reached the window but the car took off. I stood there in despair, left in the dust, calling out one last time. Meters down the road, I heard him yell back my name, but the car kept driving.
So many soft new faces.
Where do i even begin?
Beautiful black eyes staring back at me. Their necks warm under my hand.
This one, beautiful, big grey mare. I have never seen anything like her. Like an Appaloosa. She looked so rare.
i wonder what she’d be like.
He was in the shower and i was dawdling in his room. The cupboard was open i noticed a circular container that was half red and half white. There was a button on the equator and i pressed it, opening it.
Its odor escaped and i looked down with a sadness. I thought they had finished it all off last week. Why is there some left over? Why does he still have it?
I could still hear the water running in the shower. I contemplated what to do. Do i empty it? Or hide it?
No, thats spiteful. I didn’t want to do that..
Maybe i could leave a note in it and leave before he got out. The container looked like poke`ball which would have made me laugh; why would he have something like this? But what it contained stopped me. I laughed without humor to myself as i scribbled down on a piece of paper ‘I choose you’ and placed it inside the container. It was the well known catchphrase in my childhood show. But i guess that is what he has chosen. A sick feeling overwhelmed me as i turned to the door. My hand rested on the frame as i looked back into his room and hesitated.
I didn’t know what i was going to do. But i turned and headed for the front door, letting myself out. By now i could hear that the water had stopped.
He looked just as beautiful as i had left him three years ago.
But his bay coat clung to his body, showing he his figure had diminished a little. He use to be such a fatty.
I was so excited, to get back on him, meet the new additions to the farm and explore the trails once more.
I rubbed his long face and pushed his forelock to the side and out of his eyes. Tickling his soft velvet muzzle, i moved to the side of his neck and wrapped my arms around him, and hugged him. I breathed in the familiar and comforting scent. How i have missed this place. How I have missed riding. How I’ve missed my roger.
He was saddled and i jumped on him.
In a blink we were heading up the trail along the paddock fences. It was slightly overcast but everything still looked so beautiful. The grass was long and green with hints of glittering dew.
I felt at peace.
There were two other friends with me but i was leading. We checked our girths and i could make mine the tightest it could go. That worried me, I didn’t like how skinny he had got.
I then asked roger to break out into a canter, longing for the freedom and escape of all mental thoughts as i enjoy the run. I don’t have to think, it just do. My escape from reality. Something im good at.
But my knees were up to my chin. I thought i had lengthened my stirrups. As i went to do so, my feet grew closer to the ground until they were dragging on the floor.
Roger became tiny and i could no longer enjoy the ride.
God dammit i hate when that happens hahaha i get so excited to be riding only for my horse to become so small.